The Mirror To My Soul

Happiness Pt. 2: The Running List

2011-09-25T00:02:00.003-04:00

When I wrote the last time about what makes me happy, I said that I'd keep a running list. I know that it's been a while since I've updated this list and that things have changed a lot since then, but here is my attempt at adding things to the previous list:

-People that have the courage to share their secrets with strangers make me happy. I don't think that this one really needs an explanation. Check it out if you haven't already before.

-My English class makes me happy. I go into that class everyday and my mind is engaged (which is one of my favorite things). I leave with a sense of thoughtfulness. Nothing beats that feeling.

-Pens still make me happy.

-(Parentheses make me happy.) (I'm not even sure why.) (I guess it makes me feel like whatever I write in between the left and right parentheses isn't visible to everyone else.) (Which wouldn't make sense if I'm trying to get you to read my blog.) (Oh well, I like them either way.)

-I've got a new thing where I like to buy the actual physical copy of a CD when it comes out. Preferably only my favorite bands. It makes me happy knowing that I have a piece of something that they made and poured their heart into. It gives me a sense of reason behind the idea of owning CD's in the first place; as if having the physical copy makes me unique.

-This one girl I know makes me happy. I bet you're smiling now because you know that I'm talking about you. And now the smile is a little bit bigger. And now you know.

-Finishing books make me happy. That sense of encompassment that I get from it; the feeling that I just lived in a whole other world with totally different people and crazy adventures, and different thoughts or feelings towards things, that's what I like the most about it.

-Heart to heart talks with people make me happy. I learn something new every time and it seriously completes my life. When they happen, I feel like I'm growing so much closer to people and that I'm gaining so much trust because of it. That makes me happy.

-Whispering sweet nothings makes me happy.

This is it for now. This list will continue. Maybe in a couple of months, maybe next week, maybe in five years. But it will continue.

Disguise.

2011-09-13T04:20:00.001-04:00

Maybe in cardboard boxes filled with papers from your past and a soul that was once set on fire comes pouring out to you, only to reignite what once was there.

Maybe you wake up and you just know. You’re finally happy. You finally have so many reasons to smile, even through the tough times. Maybe waking up has ignited the fire that you’ve had inside of you all along. Maybe that one night changes everything for you. Maybe you share a kiss with someone and you just know that things are different- that things are finally coming together and you’re finally getting what you deserve.

Maybe you never thought that things would be this way. You were so far gone, so far removed from thinking that one person’s smile can change your whole world. Maybe that at 4:30 in the morning, the only thing that comes to you is exactly what you wanted; everything that you’ve been asking for from life is aligning and you just… know.

Maybe I know. Maybe finally waking up is giving me something to look forward to. Maybe my heart is awake and ignited and ready to let those walls fall.

Maybe the walls have already fallen.

The best things in life come to you in disguise.

Run.

2011-08-16T00:23:00.004-04:00

So let us run.

Let us run until our feet can't seem to find the ground anymore. Let us run until we become the wind and with every binding moment, we keep our eyes steady so that we don't become tangled with anything that can hold us down. Let us run as if we cannot settle; like a layer of dust that sits upon every surface of a room that goes untouched for weeks.

Let us run.

Let us run like the planet were on fire and the only thing that could save us was the heavy chest that would accompany our marathon. Let us run for the simple fact that the air hitting our face can take every doubt that we have and throw it right out the window.

Let us run because running sets us free; because every fire inside of us needs to be satisfied.

Because there are uncertainties in this world with which we may not understand.

Because there are people out there who get less than they deserve and there are people who deserve less than they get.

Let us run and jump and skip because everything that we have is everything that we are. Because everything we represent becomes every lesson learned and every wound healed. Because everything less than me becomes everything more than you. Because every inch can be stretched into miles and miles of unbroken journeys.

Let us run.

Simply, let us run.

Edge of Desire

2011-08-05T21:56:00.008-04:00

"... So a lot of you guys are going to head home and either receive texts in the dead of night or actually compose them- that are not going to be fully representative of how you feel for the rest of the day of the rest of your week. But you'll be reaching out, and if you're not reaching out, you'll have someone else reaching out to you. And your friends, and your brain, and your morals and your conscience have all trained you not to respond. But I'm going to go against the grain and I'm going to suggest that the next time you get a text from the one you love, the only person in the world that you love and can't talk to, that you respond, that you just write back. When they ask you if you're up, and you're up, and you love them, just write back 'yup, come over.' Because life is just too short to be playing the game. Because if you really want somebody, you'll figure it out later. Otherwise, you'll be laying in bed with a blackberry on your chest staring at it doing nothing for the rest of the night, hoping that it goes, 'bvvvvvvvvm, bvvvvvvvvm, bvvvvvvvm."

This video right here has changed a lot of things for me. First off, the first 1:15 of this is absolutely wonderful. Every sentence, every word right here has proven to be terribly relatable in some way. And he's right. With everything that he says and means, he's absolutely right.

If you listened to the whole video, you'll know that this is a live video of him, and that he vibes with every word that comes out of his mouth.

Who are we to know what tomorrow has in store for us? All we know is what is now: everything that is present and probably more of the past than we care to recall. We, as humans, are conditioned to love things that come into our lives and change our hearts. This video right here gives me every bit of hope that somewhere in my future, I'll feel the feeling inside of me when I can be changed again.

Yes, I've blogged before about this kind of thing, but honestly, if it keeps ringing true, why not keep writing about it?

To Myself.

2011-07-16T19:36:00.001-04:00

Dear Robbie,

You're struggling with things, but I promise you that if you keep on writing about anything that bothers you, you'll be able to feel better about it. Just get things out of you. Even if you think that it's not worth writing down, or if you think that it's not needed. Write it down. It'll benefit you to remember it later so that you know how to get yourself out of it. So write it down, even if it's small and you don't think it's worthy enough to write down.

Keep running that marathon you're in. Know that the path will get steep and you'll want to stop to take a break. But also know that you can't stop. You've got to keep going; you've got to keep moving. There are always areas to improve upon. You've got a long life ahead of you. Do it right. Do everything the right way. Do everything with your creativity and your imagination, and do it in such a proud way. You have every right to feel the way you do. You're just doing what you know is best for you. I know you're going to keep her in your life because you don't give up on people. You fall quicker than others and you attach some sides of your feelings to them- not the whole feelings, just the sides of them because you know that going from the outside in is the right way to do it. Your emotions are going to be your biggest asset one day, once they reach their peak and learn from everything that you've been through.

Go against the grain, Robbie.

"Life is just too short to keep playing the game. Because if you really want somebody, you'll figure it out later."

Keep those eyes open. Keep that head up. Keep the blood running through your veins, and keep your heart in tact.

Journey

2011-07-13T11:56:00.005-04:00

I want to take the world on with you.

A funny thing love is, huh?

I don't know exactly what it is- I'm not sure many of us really do. We are born into a world that emits struggling and, even in the best terms, we're fighting an uphill battle. But we grow up searching for something or someone to help us on our journey; someone who can make the path ahead a little less hard to bear and a little more worthwhile.

We'll walk down that road and we'll meet people who we are sure will be there for so long. That is, until they're not anymore. Becoming so dependent on just having someone there to help you and then changing so fast for another way down the road alone.

Here I am equipping myself with tools and gadgets that will help me build these walls, and all I really need to do is take a seat and see who is willing to come and destroy what I've built.

When I try to describe what love is, all I get are these fragments of sentences- these words like "you" and "me" and "this" and "us"- mostly because love isn't something that can be described as easily as it can be felt. But those words give me the courage and the strength; those fragments of words work together to change things in my mind. It gives me a sense of hope and direction with where things are going with my life. So I'll take it.

Appreciation

2011-07-11T01:42:00.006-04:00

Sometimes, when things get really tough for me, I sit down at my desk and I open my journal to the next available blank page, and I fill the page with all of the thoughts and feelings that describe me at that moment.

I realize that the page is usually filled in no time with words that have slid right out of my head and off of my lips so that I can hear whatever it is that I end up connecting to my fingers and pen.

When I'm done, I'm able to look at the page and see the places that I scribbled or messed up and I'm able to feel what I felt when I was writing it, or feel whatever made me want to write it down and keep it. I find every reason to appreciate every word that I wrote down and I slip it into my heart.

What I'm saying is that acquiring the appreciation of life's smaller things should be in everyone's head. It should be taught to us as infants, climbing out of the womb, and instilled into our heads as we grow older until eventually, it becomes second nature to us. We should be able to appreciate everything in our lives as they are, not as they used to be or how they will be in the future. We should be able to appreciate all of the decisions we've made and the places we've slept without feeling like we've lost a little bit of ourselves.

We have to know how to appreciate the bad things in life, like getting caught in the rain on your way to a job interview or looking unprepared for something that is so important and worthwhile. Having the ability to appreciate these things gives us the chance to make our lives extraordinary. We are able to see that we're not meant to have all good things in life. Expecting becomes much easier to dwindle out of our lives.

I guess you have to have the bad days in order to appreciate the good ones.

So here I am, appreciating what’s there, appreciating the smiles because the frowns are too common, and appreciating that all I have in this world is the small, dim ember that is burning inside of me, yearning to be seen from miles away someday.

“But every time you walk away, I could never, never find the words to make you stay, but I’ll try come sunrise.”

One Day

2011-06-07T01:47:00.001-04:00

Why can't I write?

Sure, I can sit here and wonder why I can't connect those dots. I'm fighting with my head to force the words that are bursting at their seams onto a page that runs from me.

What do I do?

I write. Whatever word comes to mind, whatever letters form next to each other, whatever I can do to help not keep me up at night. I write because of the flame inside of me that tells me that my story isn't over with. I have ink left inside of my pens and I can't let them go to waste. If I die, I want all of the ink to be gone. I want it to all be dry and permanent. I want everything that I write to be something that I felt purely and honestly. I want my words to be what have defined me throughout my life.

When it's all said and done? I want everyone to read my words. I want my words to break barriers that people have set up in their lives. I want to move mountains with the voice that my words create.

How do people do that? They wear their hearts on their sleeves and the walk away knowing that the time that they've put in will benefit them and everything that they have inside of them. They put the smiles on that spread like wildfires. They believe in themselves, even when nobody else in this world believes in them- they believe that their words are important and that no matter what they do with their lives, the words that they write down will change someone's life somewhere down the road.

The truth is that if I could just inspire one person, I'll know that anything that I've ever written has been enough at some point. And even if I lose it, I'll still have it in my heart. The inspiration is the definition of everything that I can ever aspire to be. Yes, I'm human. Yes, I feel things inside of me that need to come out. You do too. I bet you feel everything inside of you filling your heart to the brim and you don't know how to balance it without it spilling over the sides. Don't worry, it gets better.

I'm learning to harness that energy and place it somewhere in my life that needs the light that is shining through from the other side. One day, anything and everything that I've written will come back to me somehow. My eyes will be filled with the spark that I've always had inside of me somewhere. I won't be lost in translation. My heart will be at peace again, just as long as my ink is dry, permanent, and long-lasting.

One day.

What makes me happy?

2011-05-28T02:49:00.003-04:00

I was asked what made me happy. At first, things come to my mind and I don't write them down, thinking that I'll remember them later when I write down what makes me happy. So here I am, sitting here at 2:15 in the morning, thinking hard about what makes me happy in life.

It seems like I lead a good life. I have a wonderful family. I have friends that people would die to have. I'm getting my education and I have too many jobs. I've been blessed with a life that some people can't have.

So why is it that I can't think of what makes me happy?

Hm. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I can't think of what makes me happy because I'm not really looking for it at all. I always remember what used to make me happy and not what makes me happy in the present.

So herein lies my problem. I'm stuck in a place in my mind that subconsciously makes me think about things that used to make me happy in life and not what truly makes me happy right now.

Don't get me wrong, there are things that still make me happy from my past, and some of those things will always make me happy, no matter where I'm at with life. Things like books or imagination or inspiration. Or writing. It makes me happy to sit here and write. Combining things that make me happy always helps too. For example, I could write books using my imagination and create inspiration in the process.

But what makes me happy right now? What makes me happy in the present...?

-Pens make me happy. Being able to feel the ink glide from the tip of a pen and onto a surface makes me smile.

-Notes make me happy, whether they're sticky-notes or just me writing notes down for things that I feel like I should remember. (They get me by.)

-Ralph Waldo Emerson's "Self-Reliance" makes me happy. Everything in that small, yet powerful and captivating piece of literature hits every spot inside of me that I want it to hit.

-Coloring pictures make me happy. This is good because it also relieves a ton of stress and it helps me to focus on something else that the important things in life.

-My pen-pal from West Virginia makes me happy.

-Drawings and scribbles on papers and in notepads make me happy. Seeing how someone's mind unfolds through art is soothing, somehow.

-Working makes me happy. I know this sounds weird, and most people don't enjoy working, but I honestly feel like working gives me a sense of productivity. I like being productive and getting things done. Most of the time, at least.

-Relaxing and unwinding from a long day makes me happy. It's more of a relief kind of thing for me, because sometimes it's hard to just concentrate on not concentrating any longer. (It makes sense to me.)

-Pictures make me happy. Next to my desk is a cork board with a few of my favorite pictures on it. The reason why I have this is for when I'm sitting here, working on something or whatever may be the case, and I look over to see all of these faces looking back at me with their unexplainable, incredible smiles. Something about this kind of thing makes me happy, mostly because I know that some of the smiles I may never see again for the rest of my life, and to have a piece of history from a human being, taken from the period in their life where they were smiling (even if it's fake) makes me feel appreciative and privileged to have it right next to me.

-Things that are life-changing make me happy. I just finished a book called "A Long Way Gone," which is about a young boy who has his family taken from him and his childhood torn from him in an instant, and he is forced to join the army at such a young age to fight a war that he shouldn't have ever had to fight. He is forced to see things that people his age, or any age for that matter, shouldn't ever have to see. The story is basically how things developed for him and how he led his life pre and post-war; how he learns to forgive himself for everything and grow from his experience. It's books like these that make me believe that anything is possible in life if you just hold on when times get tough. It's life-changing and refreshing.

- Discovering things that I didn't know existed makes me happy, mostly because my mind becomes more open to new things and ideas on it's own. I don't have to force anything because I see it with my own two eyes and I learn about it as it happens.

-Did I mention that pens make me happy?

-Going home to see the expressions on my family's face when they see mine makes me happy. There is nothing better than seeing your 88-year-old grandmother's face light up when you walk into the room. Nothing.

-Knowing that I've made a lasting impression on some people in my life thus far makes me happy. Making a difference in the world has been a lifelong goal of mine since I started thinking for myself. Even if it's only one person, it's still changing the world in my eyes.

So you see, here are some things that make me happy. It's not everything that make me happy. I'm sure that sometime I'll find other things that make me happy. I'll call this a "running list" since it's something that will undoubtedly change soon. I know it'll change because things change with time. Things that used to make me happy may not anymore 5 months from now. I'll find other things that'll make me happy and I'll add them to this list. Even if they don't make me happy anymore, I'll keep them up there because I know that I'll want to always remember everything that has made me happy in life.

Knowing that the life that I live today will shape the life that I live tomorrow has been something that has propelled me to keep writing, even if the ink is starting to run dry in my pen. I'll find another pen, and I'll open my book to a new chapter- a fresh, blank page that's just waiting for me to write my story in it. I'll continue to write because these words continue to make all of the difference in my heart.

-To you, you know who you are. Thank you for motivating me to write this piece. This is something that I'd thought about before but I had never really put any action or motivating into. This has given me a new perspective on things in my life and I have you to thank.

So thank you.

"One day, You'll See"

2011-05-26T16:02:00.001-04:00

Robbie, you're sitting here and you're telling yourself that you're okay but really, I feel like you aren't. I'm you. I'm in you and I know how your surface feelings influence your mood. I know how you feel about some things, and I know that some things you hide inside of yourself so that nobody will ever find it. But one day, you'll find it. It's come up like a lost treasure and everything will change again. I wish there was some type of way to get rid of it, but I can't do that for you, you have to do it for yourself. I have faith in you, always remember that. I have faith that you'll find something in life that will be worth more to you. I have faith that you'll find that one person or those many people who make you smile day in and day out.

Who knows, you may have already found them. They might be right under your nose, you just haven't seen them yet.

Or maybe you have. Maybe you've seen them and they're already making a difference in your life. Whatever the case may be, keep your heart open and keep your eyes free.

Tell yourself, "One day, you'll see."

Sincerely, Your Heart.

Reflecting

2011-05-14T23:40:00.000-04:00

I find it good to reflect on things in my life at least once a day. It allows me to think better about things: decisions, actions, and emotions that I've had in the past and how they've influenced the person that I am today. I'm writing my own story with my own pen and paper. I'm learning as time goes on, and I'm expressing myself in any way that I know how to. Whether or not people are listening is up to them. I'll keep writing and see who's listening.

In the end, it'll be worth it.

Time

2010-11-21T22:59:00.001-05:00

You see, life is like a VCR. We want to press play when laughter is surrounding us. We want to press pause when we’re making memories. We want to press stop when all we feel is pain, and we want to press rewind to go back to a time when all we were was happy. But you see… Here’s the thing. I can’t remember ever being able to find time, to rewind time. That was back when you were my lifeline and all I could do was forget time when I was with you.

This time, you’ve got my mind pregnant with ideas of old things past, and new things to come. You see, words seem to be the only thing separating me from what used to be, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to shake this anomaly. This lame game that we seem to be playing acts as a ball and chain; it’s merely us going against the grain, yet it still manages to confine my mind, and leave me feeling as if time was never on my side.

And so we’ll see, time has been everything to me. My mind seems to think that the sublime between us is merely making me a prisoner of my own words. You see, if I had it my way, I would cover myself in your words like a blanket so that I don’t freeze to death. All this pain I feel is numbed when I’m standing here, reciting my thoughts. Poetry is my painkiller. While I’m covered I’ll have to keep in mind that words can only half reveal and half conceal the soul within.

So now, instead of feeling you press yourself up against me lazily in tangled sheets with clumsy morning kisses, I’ll feel you tell me all that you miss is those times when we could find the time to rewind time. Respecting you is me expecting you to believe in our dignity but, like you said before, love is just war on a battlefield. Time is just here to incline us to go faster. But I say let’s go slow. Let’s not pause or rewind or stop let’s press play; let’s go.

Gasoline.

2010-07-07T21:52:00.005-04:00

Fill my heart, fall asleep to it's beat.
Sing to my music, dance to the melodies.
Build me with your words, and watch me crumble.

You're the gasoline that puts out my fire.
You're the fight in me that breaks my balance of pain.
I'm the one letting you graze my cheek, filling it with your lips.

Push me into your gravity.
Show me the way of your charm and grace.
Show me your heart and your mind; your imagination and authority.

Impress my memories.

Balance

2010-06-28T20:44:00.002-04:00

The fight for you is all I've known for a long while. I mean that in such terms that a 'long while' is long enough to the point where I don't want to start over with anybody else, nor do I have the stability to even think about trying. I'll be up front with you about this: you hurt me. You don't know you did, nor do you think that anything wrong-doing occurred, but you still hurt me. More than you know. More than you'll want to comprehend. Before I go blaming you for everything, please know that I am sorry. Please know that I am truly sorry for yelling. I shouldn't raise my voice to you; you don't deserve it. I need to control my feelings better. But on the flip side of that, I'm still hurt. There is still a void that I walk around with; still an empty space that is present in my head and my heart. I let it go. I let my feelings being hurt go for the better sake of us, mind you all I want is you. But you hurt me on a level that leaves me hanging in my own balance. Every time that I think about it my heart wants to hurt, just to have a feeling that reminds me what hurting really is. I know that a promise doesn't mean much anymore, and this will never be alright with me. I sing a tune to the beat of my own heart, and you sing your as well. Can we sing each others instead?

Your happiness is something that I look for everyday. I know that you don't need 3 dozen roses or the world handed to you on a golden-crested platter, and I know that sometimes you don't like me for your own reasons, however, I care enough to try my best to give those things to you. Granted, if I could actually give you the world on a platter, you would already have it.

I know I don't make you happy on a regular basis, but you make me happy everyday. Even being able to hear from you makes me happy. Nothing is certain; not one thing is guaranteed in this life. But one thing I can tell you is that you make me smile, probably more than anything I've ever seen. Bear in mind that sometimes you make me feel like shit for wanting effort from you in this relationship. Bear in mind that sometimes we don't get along and that you sometimes take me for granted whether you know it or not. Bear in mind that I do my best for you to just notice me sometimes. No matter what is going on in my life or how crazy or hectic things get, I always make time for you. I always make time for us. I want to because seeing you makes me happy. I want to because you get happy too.

I guess what I'm trying to say out of all of this is that I love you. You hurt me but I still love you. Nothing will make me stop loving you. Saying goodbye was one of the worse things that I've encountered, and keep in mind that I've heard it before, so I should be a pro at handling by now. But you know what? I'm not. I won't ever be. I'll still fold every time. Keeping me hanging in suspense isn't what I want.

I have a wish. Just one wish that has been there for a long while. I wish that you would pour your heart out. Dump it right on top of me for once; don't be afraid, I won't drown. It won't hurt me like you think it will.

Try me.

Flame

2010-06-28T20:39:00.000-04:00

Looking back at what has happened and what used to be as opposed to what is, I see a ton of feelings that were used in one big learning experience. Love was lost, and thoughts were reused to the point in which they all became routine. My head spun. All I wanted was a happy ending; a better life only if you were with me. All I wanted was for you to sing me to sleep. I had tried for way too long to try and be the perfect song, when our hearts are heavy burdens that we shouldn’t have to bear alone. So I let you bear mine and you rejected it. Picking up, my heart was something you played with like a toy. But now? I’m new. I’ve found myself, and I’ve found another being who loves me for me, not what they want me to act like. I’ve found the only light I’ll ever see. A new fire that wears my heart whenever I need to hang it up for a while.

Why I'm Home.

2010-05-26T20:36:00.003-04:00

Sitting here with nothing but my imagination to control me...

"I'm falling apart, so leave me here forever in the dark."

Nothing left of me, nothing left of you.
Nothing left to fight for.
Nothing except you and I, my hands full of love, your hands full of pain.
Crystal glasses half-broken, coming undone at their own fragile seams; nothing can stop me from making you fall from your own breath.

Give me a sign. Give me the strength to conquer you and your world full of bottled up thoughts. Give me the power to turn your mouth into a slide, allowing every word that forms in your head to slip right out and fill my ears.

I can see you starting to drift. I can see you starting to fall away from me. Just like you said that dark night, when you were crying, doing your best to keep from me your emotions. That night when you finally had enough and burst into tears to release yourself from your own grip and slip into mine. You were right. Your grip is slipping, faster each day. I haven't any clue as to how to stop. I can only squeeze so hard before you fall through my hand.
Stop.
Listen.
Breathe. In and out.
Look at me; into my eyes.

I'm here for you. All of my being is you. I have so many things of you, for you, and with you. Photographs with tears running down them, writings that were left undone because of my burning eyes, slipping into dreams of stars and moons following us together. I was never me without you. Memories of you flood me; consume me. Gorgeous lines of glowing smiles and lost marathons full of rushed thoughts are starting to define me. I'm showing you all of my cards, giving you my heart. There could be a million people surrounding me, and you're the only thing on my mind.
After all of the painted pictures, all of the tales of every song, all of the quoted poetry, all of me showing you who you are to me, both of us falling somewhere faster, just like Jason says, we both can rise from the ashes and be the phoenix that we were meant to be.

In your times of struggle, look into me. Show me the fire burning in your heart, and I'll show you the fire burning on my lips. Let go of your fear, and I'll let my words disappear. I'll hold you close, even when your world falls apart.

Even 50 years from now, I'll still be with you. In your heart; and you'll be in mine.

Even when we are old and falling apart, I'll still throw my penny in the wishing well and wish for you.

Because in the end?

In the end, you're still the reason why I'm home.

sdkfljghrdflbh.

2010-05-03T13:55:00.001-04:00

Letters on a page; letters that don't even make any sense. No words form to make out any understanding of the letters in my head. My mind is falling into a shining darkness - no words make any sense. No form of logical understanding can run through my head anymore. I've given all of my energy and time to my words that have no meaning. My eyes tell my truths of trust and harnessed belief. My head explodes as I race from one side to the other, in my mind, swimming through the soundless expressions as if they were seaweed. All of this time is spent shaking through something for a sign of a trigger. A trigger that will act as a dominoe effect upon itself and trickle it's way down a stream of broken words. A trigger that will give way to a motion for action. How pathetic of myself to sit here and allow myself to go unnoticed. As my thoughts reach the brim of the tamed mind, I can't help but wonder when it will surely spill over into a world of pain and hurt. As I lay by my own self, my broken thoughts splatter onto my forehead, running down slowly for everyone to see.

Broken words full of letter that don't fit together sensibly begin to flow out of my head, leaving no time to recover, decimating my movements. When someone offers me a penny for my thoughts, all I can give them is the remnants of what is dried up. The colorless expressions of limelight, in a far away distance, signal that they are on their way to salvation.

I'm left alone here, staring at a page that has captured my emotions. My thoughts are running into you. In a world full of hatred and pain, I notice one beam of light. Happiness ensues. I'm far away from that.

Maybe one day, we can get there. Together.

Word of Mouth.

2010-04-23T13:19:00.003-04:00

On the verge of my freshman year at Oakland University coming to an end, I would like to take the time to just reflect upon the year. Without any bit of exaggeration, this has probably been the biggest, most valuable time for me as an individual. I've learned so much, just from being here. It's really been an amazing time for me, to say the least. People say that the relationships you make in college turn out to be the longest lasting ones. I can truly say that I've made more relationships in college than in high school; ones that will last longer than any other ones I've made, most likely. I'll still have those really close friends from back home, but in the end, the relationships I make in college will really prove to be the best.

To further expound on this subject, there has been one thing at Oakland University that has proved to be one of the things that has helped me make really great relationships with people. That thing is Word of Mouth (Open Mic). Word of Mouth is a place to open up and allow people to saturate your presence and spiritual being, even if that isn't what you're intending to do when you perform. You can get up and play music of any genre, or you can make people laugh. You can basically just speak your mind and not really worry about anything because the people there know that everyone is different and they accept you for who you are. That kind of environment is one that engages my mind on one of the highest levels.

Throughout the year, I've sat in the front of Word of Mouth, and I've watched people get up and pour their souls out in front of anybody who is willing to listen. I've been one to listen every single time. I don't take people for granted. Every person that goes up there has a story to tell. Every story has a theme or motif, so to speak. Anybody who gets up and sings; anyone that gets up and has the courage to speak their souls away, those are the ones who I cannot get enough of. Especially if they captivate me. I'm the kind of person who loves to be inspired. It's probably one of the greatest feelings in the world; most definitely my favorite feeling. Every Thursday night at OU, I become inspired. Just being in a spiritual advising session, in a way, makes me want to write and write and write.

Everyone that gets up and inspires me, every Thursday, those are the people that give me a reason to believe in inspiration. Believe it or not, inspiration is something that can make someone feel great; it can get someone through rough times, and no matter the situation, it always provides a better way to express yourself, no matter what.

Word of Mouth is my favorite part of OU. The people there are amazing. The relationships started and built up over the past eight months have been ones that I hope to have for the rest of my life. Everyone there, no matter where they come from, or what they have to say, cares. They respect you and your ideas or theories. That's more that what I could ever ask for in people. More than anything, I love to meet new people and make new friendships. Nothing will ever take that spot in my heart.

None of that would be possible if people didn't go up and pour their imagination, talents, and heart out into their expressions. None of this would be possible if people didn't give their all in running the program for people who come to be inspired.

Most of all, none of this would be possible if people's minds weren't engaged. One thing I can say about all of this is, I know five or ten years from now, I can look back and realize all of the fun I've had, and all of the experiences I've been through will all fit together as one. I can look back and see happiness; a time for spiritual healing and rejoicing. A time, my friends, that I can look back and say, "Those were the best kind of days."

And then I'll smile.

Words.

2010-03-21T22:07:00.003-04:00

Words. They're all I have to give anymore. Words that form me. Words that define what I am. Words that describe what I have to give. Words that come from my soul. Words that come from my heart. Inevitably, words that mean nothing to you.

That's really all I have to give anymore. Words. Some that show you how I care; some that don't. Words that come out of my mouth and tell you what's on my mind and in my heart. Words that will be the death of me, and words that will keep me hanging on by a thread. Words of amazing inspiration and my theoretical mind making things unique.

Words.

I can't go much longer knowing that my words don't mean anything to you. I can't live with knowing that I'm the reason that you think I lie; that my words are false. I remain calm now - no need to get worked up for no reason anymore. The more I fight it, it seems, the more you shy away from believing in my words ever again. You look past things because you love me, but deep down, you don't believe me.

It kills me to know that you're hurt.
Every single day, I sit with myself knowing that you deserve someone that you can trust; someone that you can believe in. That someone, to you, isn't me. As much as you love me, you don't desire to believe me. My words of emotion have poured out and they haven't been caught. They've lied on the ground and looked up for someone to pick them up, one by one, even. No suitable takers anymore, Robbie. No more people to pick them up. No more of people believing in you. In this time, I have to believe in myself, and it's been extremely hard to do. I've already had inner problems. Ones that haven't went away, obviously. My mind has distorted my own image of myself. I can't actually see myself anymore. My words can't actually form a meaning without someone there choosing to believe in them. Without that, my words are nothing. Just as helpless as the last thing that went out of date.
Just as helpless as the old Robbie.

Just as helpless as you are when you try to believe me.

I've never given you a reason not to, but you just don't believe me.
I guess that's what I get.
That's what I get for giving you everything I have.
That's what I get for showing you that you deserve better than what you were getting.
That's exactly what I get for giving you every reason to love me, and meaning it.

That's what I get for loving you.
For loving everything about you.
Every little thing.
That's what I get.

My Repose.

2010-03-07T17:33:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I wish I could sleep until the pain went away. I wish I could sleep; one of those long, hard, uninterrupted sleeps just to get the feeling out of my head for a while. Sleeping would allow me to forget about all of the stress, all of the heartache, all of the confusion and loss. It would all be gone. Sleeping would allow me to forget about time. Time in which everyone else sees it would be like the raindrops on a window. It would all run down and eventually fall into empty space. I want to sleep so that I don't have to hear your voice scold me. God knows I've tried to make you see just how much you mean to me, but something tells me that the deed isn't done in the same context.
I would sleep so that my heart wouldn't break. It's been held together by another human being, and shattered all the same. This is why I'm so reluctant to give people chances anymore. I can't bear to hurt anymore. Sleeping would make it go away. The broken heart is a hard thing to mend, especially if yours is broken. I would sleep so that the sound of my grandmother crying every time I leave home wouldn't play in my head, nor my heart anymore. It absolutely crushes me to hear her cry like that. I get all choked up when I hear her crying and when I feel her clutch me. She most certainly a big part of me. She's getting old now. It worries me to leave because I don't want it to be the last time I see her again. My world would break if I lost her.
I would rest so that I couldn't feel anymore. No more feelings of sorrow or depression would ring through me. No more thoughts would fill my head of you leaving me. No more thoughts of you dropping me and leaving me for something better out there. I know it comes to everybody's head every once in a while at least: the thought of your loved one leaving you behind. I trust that this wouldn't happen to me. I'm going with my heart.
I would sleep to numb myself.
To avoid seeing you hurt.
I would sleep to sleep. To not awake just yet.
I would sleep to let go.
I would wake up with a broken heart all along.
I can't avoid it.
I'd sleep with a broken heart.
None of this makes sense.

Leaving Me

2010-01-12T13:45:00.002-05:00

“Don’t leave me. Don’t go. Please don’t do this to me. Don’t leave me behind. Don’t let me fall.”

I could write a thousand words without meanings of saving me, yet you’d still go. I could hurdle mountains of honesty that you throw at me, yet I’d still be right here. Leaving me without notice; without written paragraphs and lines of reasons, that’s no reason to leave me. Sitting alone in darkness for days on end won’t fix this. Allowing things to get worse won’t either. Memories of you are emblazoned into my head; dripping from it a small truth that losing you is scary. Losing you is beyond my fathomable mind. I can’t allow it to happen. I’ll let you go first. I’ll take you on a ride to the moon where we can count the stars in lines of shining rays, glistening in your eyes. I’ll put that smile upon your face and make time lose its worth. Imaginary lines of division will lose themselves in colors of purity and safety as you blink. I’ll trace over them. We can sing melodies of dreams; lullabies of God’s hope etched onto your skin like insignias. Purposeful meanings of love will brush your face as I go above and beyond what a promise really means. Representations of happiness will fly to your fingertips and change your life as you know it. Leaving me isn’t your counter to my scarce ‘I love yous’. The question of whether it’s right or not will hold no meaning to my mind as I leap into perspectives of a million ladybugs, scattering about. Even when faded dreams are illogical losing you is still far from optional. So please. Don’t go. Don’t let go of me; of who I am. Don’t let go of memories that will stick with you forever. Don’t let go of forever.

Unless you have to.

Currently listening to:
“I can live without you but without you I’ll be miserable at best.” –Mayday Parade – Miserable At Best

Whirlwind.

2009-11-17T11:16:00.001-05:00

Lately, my mind has been in a whirlwind of emotions. Fluctuations of past feelings; not the actual feeling themselves, but more or less memories of the broken path I was on, and how I go to where I am now emotionally. It's as if I had forgotten my past somewhat. I've been living in a world without memories for a while and now, a year later, something reminds me of all of the emotional experiences I've had. Maybe it was the leaves. Maybe the season. Maybe it's just normal. Everything comes back to me. It hurts sometimes. I keep it to myself. I can feel the frame of what I used to feel. I had so much in front of me. So many different roads to tumble and fall deeply down. Now, my tied-up tongue is clumsy; holding me down for seems like a century. I wish I could have thought things a little more through. Maybe things would be different. Giving what's real to people hasn't been any harder.

One day, I'd like to write a song. In that song, I could make and verse of words my own. My own free feelings. My own free thoughts and outspoken gestures in the form of poetry. Until that day comes, I will be here, waiting for it all to come together.

Why?

2009-10-06T12:38:00.002-04:00

"Cause I'm out-dated, overrated.."
Lessons learned.
I'm not sure where I'd be without them. I wish I could say that they have made me a better person. I wish I could make you believe that. I wish I could make myself believe it. The truth is, the puzzle doesn't fit into place that way. I'm so unbelievably terrified. Even after an entire year. I'm afraid to get hurt; afraid of people leaving me like they always seem to do. I always seem to find the people in my life that mean so much to me leave me in some way, shape, or form. I know, I'm aware, this seems to be all I ever write about here. I don't know what else to write about. I have to force the words out, they don't flow as freely as they once did. I'm not exactly sure why it's like this. I can't explain my hindrances; nobody really can to be honest.

I've got to pick myself up somehow. I taught myself to do it before. I became self-reliant. I was independent. Somehow, I lost all of that along the way. The path I'm on doesn't relate to the road not taken for me. I surely don't want to miss my past. I don't want to want to be this way. I hate not being able to write. I feel like my mind is trapped in an open field. Trapped with no fences or barriers but myself.

The only thing that fixed this was a breakdown. I complete breakdown. I need one. I need to hurt really bad. It's like reformatting a computer; there are only a limited amount of times you can run the utilities until you'll eventually have to reformat your system. I know I'm young. But I have feelings. I feel as if I've matured enough to 'love'. I've felt it before and have hurt from it plenty of times.
A breakdown is bittersweet. It's horrible at first, but gives you a reason to grow in the long run.

I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong. I wasn't last time. /:

Weightless.

2009-08-17T11:56:00.002-04:00

I'm actually not sure why I'm writing this. So much has happened since my last entry on here, and I'm not sure what to write about now. Things seem.. Different. So much more different than they were 2 months ago. I know I should have kept writing, and been consistent with everything. Even now, I'm not exactly sure what I should write about. Things have changed so much since I last wrote; some good and some bad. Some things happened and some never even formed together.

I lost a best friend. Someone who I never wanted to lose. And now it seems like that person doesn't want to do anything but see me fail. We will refer to this person as "X". "X" doesn't want to be my friend but wants to see me fight for them. "X" wants me to fight for our friendship when they aren't. There isn't much I can say about it, as of now.

I started college. Oakland University. It's actually a great thing. I get to further my education and studies. I'm excited to learn and progress with everything. The atmosphere at OU is astounding. It's a learning atmosphere. Everyone there wants to learn, and wants to get their education. They all want to progress and become successful. Which makes complete sense, seeing as how students are paying money to learn there. Overall, my college experience is great so far.

My feelings have grown deeper. From the depths within me, I can feel my thoughts flow out into my arms and veins, into my hands; stopping right at my fingertips. The words won't form anymore. The feelings won't allow me to type. They wouldn't allow me to write what I feel, whether it be a pen or on these very keys that I bear my writing now. It's like, I can't get over the hump. I can't push myself over, and nobody can help me over either. I'm stuck.
"Turn a page, I'm a book half unread."
The phrase couldn't have been said better.

I'm not sure anymore. Not sure about various things. I guess I'm just stuck. I've heard it's normal. But so many different things are just so out of the ordinary, and life most definitely isn't the same. I guess it's what I should have expected. Change.

Until next time.
-Robbie Williford
"Before I run far away, I need to take a holiday."
(Rough draft was saved on August 17th, actually published on September 23rd.)

1000 Shades of Gray. (Unfinished)

2009-07-28T16:18:00.004-04:00

1000 shades of gray.

In the middle arises a lone color.

Small, yes, but slowly becoming strong, confident. Proud.

The color rises and grows, grasping each and every shade.

Carefully not allowing it to fade away.

Soon, the color can show it’s true self; it’s true form of identity.

Thereafter, it can take over the 1000 shades of gray.

It can move the shades; allowing them to fall freely from the grasps of it’s roots.

The color takes flight, while the gray falls into the hole of empty dreams.

It flies across the dimly lit cup; allowing it’s being to slightly spill over the edge.

What is real is the site of the colors dripping down the edges of the cup.

I'm not sure what propelled me to even write this. I'm also not sure how to finish it. I must've been in a certain state of mind because I found it on my hard drive on my desktop computer while cleaning it. Let me know what you think of it.

Writing for myself.

2009-07-26T17:02:00.001-04:00

"Keep my dreams alive, and I'll keep you breathing.
Let's get lost together and babe we'll keep on dreaming."

Sometimes, I write to soothe myself. To let thoughts out of my head that would otherwise eat my brain. I write to... Runaway. To run from everything. Like a drug. To get away from reality for a while. To get the secrets out and to release the weight of everything holding me down. Fantasy is better than reality, in more ways than one narrow path.

See, I write to save myself. To save my whispers to a minimum, and my screeching to a dead roll of sound waves. My spoken words fall on deaf ears and mute mouths. People are too wrapped up in their own lives to take the time to listen, and that's okay. I don't write for you, I don't write for the girl behind you, I don't write for the old guy on the corner, nor do I write for the young girl playing hopscotch. I write for me. I write to leave me wanting more. I write to make words count, to leave myself without doubts.

I write to create meanings for the rhymes said in hidden poems, and for the easy listening music that I clutch for something to bear on my ears. I write to give myself the ability to run; away from you, and away from myself sometimes.

Yes, I write, and you read. You see what my thoughts are, what I aspire to do in life, and what my past has painted. I write to make you think, and make you wonder my points. Remember, I write for me, not you.

In the end, it's you. You giving me motivation and courage to write for myself.
Because when I write for myself, you listen. You read, and think; wonder and write for yourself. I write for me giving hope to let you write for you.

Read my thoughts. Listen to my words.
Write for yourself.
Revert it back to me.

Only then, can you say you've written for yourself.

Burn Notice.

2009-07-06T02:16:00.000-04:00

"I love you, Forever and Always."

I close the note, and silently place it on top of the flames, causing them to grow for a rapid second.

There comes a time in life, when you burn the bridges for good.
For me, it was more of a burning of an entire country, not just the bridge that connects the countries.
".. And I'm burning all the letters hoping that I might forget her and her bad taste, that she left when she was leaving me, A life of barely breathing as she walked, out of this place." -Mayday Parade

Couldn't have said it better myself.
I burned all of the letters. All of the notes. All of the pictures, and memorabilia.
All of the 'I love you's' burned to an ash.
'Forever and Always' had its own half of the pit, burning until it couldn't burn anymore.

SO much thought went into this. So much time spent sitting there in dead silence, wondering if I was going to make a mistake. Everything played in my head, over and over, like a broken record, playing on repeat. All of the memories shared were going over in my head, leaving me with a feeling of sickness in my stomach. There were so many happy times flooded by the times where I just wanted to give up.

It ate away at me, for quite some time. Time that I surely won't get back. I don't regret any of the memories. Without them, and my experiences, I wouldn't be the person I am today. Simple isn't something I aim for. Therefore, I had to let it eat away at me until I couldn't take it anymore. It got the best of me some days.

Sometimes, I'd sit and think of how I never really understood how things got to be the way they ended up. Things were always blamed on me, therefore I blamed myself. But after a while, I took a step back, and analyzed what was really going on. Needless to say, I don't blame myself for anything anymore.

I can now feel myself rise again.
No, it wasn't easy, but nobody said it would be.
As we grow older, everything will generally get harder. I like it that way. Struggling has taught me how to grow onto another level of strength.
I'm not as strong as I could be, but it's a learning process.

With all of that being said, I can smile.
Big smiles.
I'm not going to wonder if I made the mistake of burning my memories away. To me, I made the best choice I could make.
One that will stick.

One that will last.

&&One that I know I can say will last 'forever and always'.
Because when I say it, I mean it.

Giving Thanks

2009-05-29T20:40:00.000-04:00

Hello everyone.
I'm writing this blog to show my appreciation, in a way.

Tonight was the Honors Convocation at Flint Southwestern Academy. Everything went very well. Everyone there deserved to be there. We all put in the hard work, and really focused on getting the job done.

The atmosphere was amazing. I could feel it. I could feel everyone's spirits raised and the excitement that was built for the night. Although it will be nothing compared to graduation (June 2nd), it still felt as if it would be a night to remember for the rest of my life. I really enjoyed seeing all of the students, on the verge of becoming young adults and independent. Everyone had smiles on their faces and it seemed as if everyone was happy.

I personally, was very happy; probably the happiest I've been in a while. It felt great. I can go through life knowing that I went to high school (and some even middle school and earlier) with some of the most intelligent, most focused people.

I received my distinguished honors silver cords, as well as a document that went with it that showed my achievement academically. I also received the English Merit Award, which basically dubs me the English student of the year for the 2008/2009 school year, and I received my Geographic Regional scholarship from Oakland University.

The speeches were very well written and performed, the students were recognized well, and the staff should get pats on the back for a job well done.

The supporters were very kind, clapping to every name called, and every award given.

Things just couldn't have gotten any better.

I would like to thank everyone, literally.
Everyone played a role in the awards given out, including myself.
Over these past 6 years at Flint SWA, I've met some of the best people that I could've possibly met. I received guidance from some of the most skilled and gifted teachers. Last but not least, I received one of the best educations around.

Thank you staff, students, friends, parents, and other supporters.

Most of all, I'd like to finally thank and congratulate myself.
I'm the kind of person who'll give the utmost credit to others, and never really appreciate myself in certain situations. Now, while these last few days as a Senior at SWA dwindle down,I'd like to finally give myself a pat on the back.

I can remember when I was a Freshman, and I had no desire to be at school so I slacked off. But I got my mindset straightened out and I focused on my dreams and aspirations. Ever since then I haven't quit on anything. I've worked my butt off, so to speak, and never let down. My determination may have fluctuated at times, but I always made sure that I was focused on my goals.

Now, it's finally time for the younger kids to get some words of wisdom:
If you dare to believe in yourself, you will find the things in you that will materialize and set you off on your correct path.
Never give up.

Thank you for reading.
It's appreciated greatly.

-Robbie Williford
Class of 2009, Flint Southwestern Academy

Beautiful Sunrises.

2009-05-09T19:49:00.000-04:00

I smile.
I smile because, you are no longer the reason for my slumps.
I can live life, and smile knowing that you can smile without me.
I can breathe deeply, without having to stop to let you breathe.
I can believe in myself again, without you telling me I'm wrong.
I can take my steps, without you here to become a stronger person.
I can stumble, and not expect you to be there to pick me up, just like before.
I can fall, and not worry about you being there to catch me.
I can laugh without worrying about making you laugh in unison with me.

I can smile knowing that the smile will be there, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, til death does it part from me.

I can smile for new reasons, for best friends, and for feelings not involving you.

Most of all, I can smile, because I'm not binded by you any longer. I'm not held down from my true potential anymore. I'm not contained by your being.

I'm me.
Robert Francis Williford.

ME.

:)

Memories of Yesterday's Promises.

2009-04-04T00:13:00.000-04:00

Things change. It's inevitable. It's going to happen no matter what. Although I am aware of this process, I still believe that change can somehow be manipulated to be curved a certain way. I'm certain that promises were made to be broken, and dreams were meant to be broken down somehow.

"Is it broken? Can we work it out?"
Promises are made to teach lessons. No matter what the case is, or who is involved in it, a promise is your word. Your committal to something, and devotion to making sure that the promise Isn't broken. Working out the mistake of breaking a promise is a hard thing to do, but it CAN be done. Trust me. Trust problems and all, I can accept the fact that promises can be broken. I don't attach myself to the promise as much as I used to, but that's is only to ensure that I don't get hurt. That doesn't mean I don't believe in it. I do. I believe in things, and have faith in things, but one thing that is for sure, I'm not trying to get hurt in the process. Sure, I'll be disappointed or upset is a promise isn't fulfilled, and I'll even probably think a lot about it. But one thing that I'll keep in my mind is that everyone makes mistakes. Some way more than others. Mistakes are learning blocks to success. Without them, we all would be oblivious to what was really going on in this world. It teaches people, young and old, how to appreciate and adapt to things, as well as create a valuable lesson of life.

Most of all, it teaches you how to grow and better yourself as a human being, and as a person;inside and out.

Growing.

2009-03-18T21:37:00.001-04:00

Growing up is probably one of life's hardest things to do. It's the longest learning process that you'll have to go through, and is most likely the biggest one as well. From the day we are born, we have to learn how to live, to survive in the world, as a human being. Although, as an infant, there are not as many responsibilities that are present, due to the fact that you don't have many abilities yet. You haven't grown into your abilities yet. But as you get older, life changes and you have to adjust as well as adapt with it. It's all a learning process, and can be a hard one at that. There are so many things to have to learn, to grow into. As a young person, you can pick up habits or characteristics that define you as a person, when you get older. For instance, if you grow up around a certain group of people, good or bad, you will pick up the language used, the way they go about doing things, or the way they think, and you'll be one of them as well. It's just the way the human race works. If we are around something for too long, we will start to mirror it. We act like it, breathe like it, eat like it, see like it, and hear like it, as if it were what we've done our whole lives.

To make my point clear, Once we adapt and adjust to everything and get good at it, we tend to change again. We start the entire process over. We learn to adjust to having to repeat the process over and over again. Along the way, we pick up habits that stick with us throughout our lives. Habits that make you, you, and me, me.

All I'm asking, is that we choose wisely the habits that we want to pick up. Choose the ones that you know deep down will make you a better person, in the long run. If the short term works with it, then it's a bonus.

Giving Up.

2009-02-01T23:12:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, I have to remind myself, that things won't always go as planned. For me, it's been one hell of a ride. Emotional stress, followed by physical breakdown, accompanied by spiritual depletion and mental hindrances have all been present, at the same time. I've felt that feeling. The one where I know I don't have anybody there, to pick me up when I'm down. Or to guide me, when I don't have anything showing me my way. I was forced to pick myself up. I was a misfit. Nobody wanted me. Nobody wanted to help me, in my time of struggling.

I picked myself up; dusted my own shoulders off. Even when I never thought I could, I did. Even when all odds were against me, and I was left in the dust of my own being, I did it.

Let me be the first person to tell you: It wasn't easy. Not in any circumstance was it easy for me to pick myself up, out of my own hole. In fact, it was probably the hardest thing I've had to do. It made me a stronger person, which is why I'm glad I went through it alone. As much as I wanted someone there for me, to pick me up after I fell, and as much as I would've loved for someone to be my support, I needed to go through it alone. To make my heart truer to itself, and to make the pain very evident to myself. When a heart is broken, and is forced to independently heal, the process is hard. But in the end, you'll be amazed on how much character it builds for you. I don't wish it on anybody, to get hurt the way I did, nor to feel the pain I felt, but to even have the ability to know what it truly feels like is a blessing in disguise.

Trust me.

Yes, memories are all I have left of past happiness. Some of which, I won't ever forget. This may be confusing but it's the truth:

I refuse to be treated that way again, and some people may never really understand the feeling that I felt, nor will they understand what happened in my past; which won't allow them to understand me in the present. (As much as I'd like to make people understand, or even try to help them understand, it's not as easy as it seems. Sometimes, it's not even the case)

I also refuse to forget some of the memories that I have, because forgetting would create a gap-something that I definitely don't need. Remembering the memories will allow me to link my present with my past, and will show me everything that has happened along the way. I don't want to say it shows me what mistakes I've made, but it's along those lines. It shows me what lessons I've learned, so to speak.

Lastly, there is a reason for everything, as well as a time and place for everything. There comes a time in life when you have to come to realizations on certain subjects in their entirety. During my journey of hurting, I've realized some things.

I pushed away way too many people who I cared about, and who cared about me.
I was blind. Completely.
I hurt a lot of people, to make one person happy, and didn't even succeed.
I hurt myself, to make others happy.
I lost a little piece of myself, through all of the hurting, all of the confusion, all of the remorse, and all of the mistakes/lessons learned.
I pushed myself down into the hole, by allowing myself to be stepped on.

My final realization?

I realized that I am only one person and I am not perfect. Nobody is. In fact, nobody comes close to being perfect. Everybody just has to accept that fact. Everyone will make mistakes, only because we are human, and because it is normal.

The only thing left to do is find someone who accepts the fact that I have flaws, and that I am imperfect.

The beauty of it all, is knowing that the only real person you can trust is yourself.
When you lose that...

You're done.

Away with forgetting the goodbyes

2009-01-24T17:15:00.000-05:00

"Never say goodbye, because goodbye means going away, and going away means forgetting."

Goodbye is never an easy thing to say, to anybody. Nor is it something that anybody wants to be greeted with at a departure. Knowing that goodbye would really mean going away, doesn't always mean you forget. You will, however, forget how you came to the departure, due to the anticipation of the goodbye. It's really a dreadful word, of sorts. One of those words that should be banned from the dictionary, and basically abolished from the English language. Give it to one of the less fortunate languages, I'm sure they'll appreciate it.

Just remember: Saying goodbye does mean that you'll be going away. Also, going away, will eventually mean forgetting. Mark my words. It'll happen.

But only if you let it.

September 28th, 2008

2008-12-24T17:18:00.000-05:00

Sometimes...

Sometimes what you want and whats right isn't always the same thing...
Think hard back to when you were a child. Think about when you really, really wanted something to change but you knew it was the wrong thing to do.

Sometimes, things can happen that will ruin everything in every path of life. It can either be small or big but its still something that will affect you for the rest of your life..

(Not a day goes by that I think about the way things used to be and wonder what would have happened if things were as they were back then.)

Although, I do know that things will never be the same.

It can't hurt me to remember, can it?

Memories are what kill me. Each and every day.
(Nobody can see, except for me)

March 21st, 2008

2008-12-24T17:01:00.000-05:00

I Wish..

I Wish...
I Wish love could be everywhere and affect everyone.
I Wish love could show those who hate what the truth about everything is and help them realize that not everything is the way that it seems.
I Wish love could prove that everything happens for a reason.
I Wish love could persuade the feeble-minded beings to think before they act.
I Wish love could create all of the things inequalities couldn’t.
I Wish love could go to those who find it hard in life to remain on top.
I Wish love could make any regrets go away.

I Wish...
I Wish truth could bring out the best in this world-from everyone.
I Wish truth could see what its like to lie. Then maybe truth would be whole.
I Wish truth could make repetitors break their cycle and make a change.
I Wish truth could make people see what its like to be cold and out of breath.
I Wish truth had a face. Then, literally, we could all ’face’ the truth.
I Wish truth was opaque. This would make people believe again.
I Wish truth upon all of us-because all different people from all walks of life still only have one truth.

I Wish...
I Wish peace could settle the hearts of young ones.
I Wish peace could be its own army. Instead, we have to work for peace.
I Wish peace was to those who have anger in their hearts-to help subside the feeling of remorse.
I Wish peace could grow arms and legs-that way, it could do for itself.
I Wish peace upon all the multi-faceted human beings in this world. Maybe this would make their facets come together as one.
I Wish peace would come whenever we asked.
I Wish peace would embed itself in the souls of all. Therefore, peace would be with us.

I Wish...

I Wish the World upon us all. The fact that this world gets harder and harder everyday makes me afraid for my childrens' futures. It makes people of other generations forget what it used to be like when they were kids. Love, truth, and peace could help embrace the side effects of growing up, creating alternative ways of thought. Though flourishing under any of this would be a change, its likely that nothing will EVER change. Things will get worse-out or proportion. The bind to live everyday, along with love, truth, and peace, would become hindered-creating a black hole of sorts that sweeps away everything we’ve ever know...

Including love...
truth...
and peace...

Be careful what you wish for... You just might get it...

February 12th, 2008

2008-12-24T16:57:00.000-05:00

Things on my mind...

Things... Things... Things cross my mind-right to left, left to right. All kinds of things. All kinds of thoughts and dreams, and hopes and such that make me happy and sad and whatnot. Life can be boring and exciting, but we will never know until we venture out into our own little journeys and find out for ourselves. People try to warn us on things and sometimes we listen, sometimes we don't. Sometimes we don't know who to believe. Sometimes all hope is lost. Sometimes we have so much confidence... But maybe, just maybe, there is a point in between all of this. Maybe none of us will ever find that point. Therefore, those people cannot warn others on how it feels hr how to get there. Or maybe, just maybe, nobody will ever get there--to Nirvana--To perfect peace...

I've tried so many methods, so many techniques, so many ideas, so many theories, so many truths, so many lies, so many lows and so many highs... Some have had glimpses of perfection in every little corner. Some haven't... The phrase "Life is like a roller-coaster" rings through my brain as if I were kissing a bell. I couldn't count the number of times that I've been in situations where I didn't really know what exactly was going on. Situations where I would've been involved in possibly unspeakable acts that would've ruined so much of what I've been trying to achieve--Total Happiness.

My life has been filled with things that would have made others quit, as well as things that would make people feel spoiled. If I hadn't have had that one person in my life who straightens everything out, I most likely would not be here on this earth. I mean there is a plethora of things I could talk about--Like wondering if I should tell that one person how somebody really feels about them, or mending my relationship with all of my enemies, or hoping everything would just turn out right without hassle, or how much I've appreciated everyone's strength for me as well as how much others have hated me. Its helped me to learn a lot of things that are very helpful in my adventure of life. Its helped me cope and love, pray and wait for better things to appear... Patience is a big key in this game--Making some stronger and some to crumble...

I don't really know how life works but I enjoy learning from the people I love how much life can be cruel and unusual as well as making me wiser...

I can't wait for that day... That day for Nirvana...

The Beginning...

2008-12-22T19:33:00.000-05:00

Today is the day that I begin my blog. When I first thought of starting an online blog, I decided to start one mainly so I can express myself through writing. Doing one online allows me to show readers examples of my writing, as well as show others how I express myself through my writing.

The more people I get to read my blogs, to more widely known my writing will become. So please, sit back, relax, and read until your heart is content. Feedback on my writing would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for taking the time to read my writing.

-Robbie Williford