What makes me happy?

I was asked what made me happy. At first, things come to my mind and I don't write them down, thinking that I'll remember them later when I write down what makes me happy. So here I am, sitting here at 2:15 in the morning, thinking hard about what makes me happy in life.

It seems like I lead a good life. I have a wonderful family. I have friends that people would die to have. I'm getting my education and I have too many jobs. I've been blessed with a life that some people can't have.

So why is it that I can't think of what makes me happy?

Hm. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I can't think of what makes me happy because I'm not really looking for it at all. I always remember what used to make me happy and not what makes me happy in the present.

So herein lies my problem. I'm stuck in a place in my mind that subconsciously makes me think about things that used to make me happy in life and not what truly makes me happy right now.

Don't get me wrong, there are things that still make me happy from my past, and some of those things will always make me happy, no matter where I'm at with life. Things like books or imagination or inspiration. Or writing. It makes me happy to sit here and write. Combining things that make me happy always helps too. For example, I could write books using my imagination and create inspiration in the process.

But what makes me happy right now? What makes me happy in the present...?

-Pens make me happy. Being able to feel the ink glide from the tip of a pen and onto a surface makes me smile.

-Notes make me happy, whether they're sticky-notes or just me writing notes down for things that I feel like I should remember. (They get me by.)

-Ralph Waldo Emerson's "Self-Reliance" makes me happy. Everything in that small, yet powerful and captivating piece of literature hits every spot inside of me that I want it to hit.

-Coloring pictures make me happy. This is good because it also relieves a ton of stress and it helps me to focus on something else that the important things in life.

-My pen-pal from West Virginia makes me happy.

-Drawings and scribbles on papers and in notepads make me happy. Seeing how someone's mind unfolds through art is soothing, somehow.

-Working makes me happy. I know this sounds weird, and most people don't enjoy working, but I honestly feel like working gives me a sense of productivity. I like being productive and getting things done. Most of the time, at least.

-Relaxing and unwinding from a long day makes me happy. It's more of a relief kind of thing for me, because sometimes it's hard to just concentrate on not concentrating any longer. (It makes sense to me.)

-Pictures make me happy. Next to my desk is a cork board with a few of my favorite pictures on it. The reason why I have this is for when I'm sitting here, working on something or whatever may be the case, and I look over to see all of these faces looking back at me with their unexplainable, incredible smiles. Something about this kind of thing makes me happy, mostly because I know that some of the smiles I may never see again for the rest of my life, and to have a piece of history from a human being, taken from the period in their life where they were smiling (even if it's fake) makes me feel appreciative and privileged to have it right next to me.

-Things that are life-changing make me happy. I just finished a book called "A Long Way Gone," which is about a young boy who has his family taken from him and his childhood torn from him in an instant, and he is forced to join the army at such a young age to fight a war that he shouldn't have ever had to fight. He is forced to see things that people his age, or any age for that matter, shouldn't ever have to see. The story is basically how things developed for him and how he led his life pre and post-war; how he learns to forgive himself for everything and grow from his experience. It's books like these that make me believe that anything is possible in life if you just hold on when times get tough. It's life-changing and refreshing.

- Discovering things that I didn't know existed makes me happy, mostly because my mind becomes more open to new things and ideas on it's own. I don't have to force anything because I see it with my own two eyes and I learn about it as it happens.

-Did I mention that pens make me happy?

-Going home to see the expressions on my family's face when they see mine makes me happy. There is nothing better than seeing your 88-year-old grandmother's face light up when you walk into the room. Nothing.

-Knowing that I've made a lasting impression on some people in my life thus far makes me happy. Making a difference in the world has been a lifelong goal of mine since I started thinking for myself. Even if it's only one person, it's still changing the world in my eyes.

So you see, here are some things that make me happy. It's not everything that make me happy. I'm sure that sometime I'll find other things that make me happy. I'll call this a "running list" since it's something that will undoubtedly change soon. I know it'll change because things change with time. Things that used to make me happy may not anymore 5 months from now. I'll find other things that'll make me happy and I'll add them to this list. Even if they don't make me happy anymore, I'll keep them up there because I know that I'll want to always remember everything that has made me happy in life.


Knowing that the life that I live today will shape the life that I live tomorrow has been something that has propelled me to keep writing, even if the ink is starting to run dry in my pen. I'll find another pen, and I'll open my book to a new chapter- a fresh, blank page that's just waiting for me to write my story in it. I'll continue to write because these words continue to make all of the difference in my heart.



-To you, you know who you are. Thank you for motivating me to write this piece. This is something that I'd thought about before but I had never really put any action or motivating into. This has given me a new perspective on things in my life and I have you to thank.

So thank you.

"One day, You'll See"

Robbie, you're sitting here and you're telling yourself that you're okay but really, I feel like you aren't. I'm you. I'm in you and I know how your surface feelings influence your mood. I know how you feel about some things, and I know that some things you hide inside of yourself so that nobody will ever find it. But one day, you'll find it. It's come up like a lost treasure and everything will change again. I wish there was some type of way to get rid of it, but I can't do that for you, you have to do it for yourself. I have faith in you, always remember that. I have faith that you'll find something in life that will be worth more to you. I have faith that you'll find that one person or those many people who make you smile day in and day out.

Who knows, you may have already found them. They might be right under your nose, you just haven't seen them yet.

Or maybe you have. Maybe you've seen them and they're already making a difference in your life. Whatever the case may be, keep your heart open and keep your eyes free.

Tell yourself, "One day, you'll see."

Sincerely, Your Heart.

Reflecting

I find it good to reflect on things in my life at least once a day. It allows me to think better about things: decisions, actions, and emotions that I've had in the past and how they've influenced the person that I am today. I'm writing my own story with my own pen and paper. I'm learning as time goes on, and I'm expressing myself in any way that I know how to. Whether or not people are listening is up to them. I'll keep writing and see who's listening.

In the end, it'll be worth it.

Time

You see, life is like a VCR. We want to press play when laughter is surrounding us. We want to press pause when we’re making memories. We want to press stop when all we feel is pain, and we want to press rewind to go back to a time when all we were was happy. But you see… Here’s the thing. I can’t remember ever being able to find time, to rewind time. That was back when you were my lifeline and all I could do was forget time when I was with you.

This time, you’ve got my mind pregnant with ideas of old things past, and new things to come. You see, words seem to be the only thing separating me from what used to be, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to shake this anomaly. This lame game that we seem to be playing acts as a ball and chain; it’s merely us going against the grain, yet it still manages to confine my mind, and leave me feeling as if time was never on my side.

And so we’ll see, time has been everything to me. My mind seems to think that the sublime between us is merely making me a prisoner of my own words. You see, if I had it my way, I would cover myself in your words like a blanket so that I don’t freeze to death. All this pain I feel is numbed when I’m standing here, reciting my thoughts. Poetry is my painkiller. While I’m covered I’ll have to keep in mind that words can only half reveal and half conceal the soul within.

So now, instead of feeling you press yourself up against me lazily in tangled sheets with clumsy morning kisses, I’ll feel you tell me all that you miss is those times when we could find the time to rewind time. Respecting you is me expecting you to believe in our dignity but, like you said before, love is just war on a battlefield. Time is just here to incline us to go faster. But I say let’s go slow. Let’s not pause or rewind or stop let’s press play; let’s go.

Gasoline.

Fill my heart, fall asleep to it's beat.
Sing to my music, dance to the melodies.
Build me with your words, and watch me crumble.

You're the gasoline that puts out my fire.
You're the fight in me that breaks my balance of pain.
I'm the one letting you graze my cheek, filling it with your lips.

Push me into your gravity.
Show me the way of your charm and grace.
Show me your heart and your mind; your imagination and authority.

Impress my memories.

Balance

The fight for you is all I've known for a long while. I mean that in such terms that a 'long while' is long enough to the point where I don't want to start over with anybody else, nor do I have the stability to even think about trying. I'll be up front with you about this: you hurt me. You don't know you did, nor do you think that anything wrong-doing occurred, but you still hurt me. More than you know. More than you'll want to comprehend. Before I go blaming you for everything, please know that I am sorry. Please know that I am truly sorry for yelling. I shouldn't raise my voice to you; you don't deserve it. I need to control my feelings better. But on the flip side of that, I'm still hurt. There is still a void that I walk around with; still an empty space that is present in my head and my heart. I let it go. I let my feelings being hurt go for the better sake of us, mind you all I want is you. But you hurt me on a level that leaves me hanging in my own balance. Every time that I think about it my heart wants to hurt, just to have a feeling that reminds me what hurting really is. I know that a promise doesn't mean much anymore, and this will never be alright with me. I sing a tune to the beat of my own heart, and you sing your as well. Can we sing each others instead?

Your happiness is something that I look for everyday. I know that you don't need 3 dozen roses or the world handed to you on a golden-crested platter, and I know that sometimes you don't like me for your own reasons, however, I care enough to try my best to give those things to you. Granted, if I could actually give you the world on a platter, you would already have it.

I know I don't make you happy on a regular basis, but you make me happy everyday. Even being able to hear from you makes me happy. Nothing is certain; not one thing is guaranteed in this life. But one thing I can tell you is that you make me smile, probably more than anything I've ever seen. Bear in mind that sometimes you make me feel like shit for wanting effort from you in this relationship. Bear in mind that sometimes we don't get along and that you sometimes take me for granted whether you know it or not. Bear in mind that I do my best for you to just notice me sometimes. No matter what is going on in my life or how crazy or hectic things get, I always make time for you. I always make time for us. I want to because seeing you makes me happy. I want to because you get happy too.

I guess what I'm trying to say out of all of this is that I love you. You hurt me but I still love you. Nothing will make me stop loving you. Saying goodbye was one of the worse things that I've encountered, and keep in mind that I've heard it before, so I should be a pro at handling by now. But you know what? I'm not. I won't ever be. I'll still fold every time. Keeping me hanging in suspense isn't what I want.

I have a wish. Just one wish that has been there for a long while. I wish that you would pour your heart out. Dump it right on top of me for once; don't be afraid, I won't drown. It won't hurt me like you think it will.

Try me.

Flame

Looking back at what has happened and what used to be as opposed to what is, I see a ton of feelings that were used in one big learning experience. Love was lost, and thoughts were reused to the point in which they all became routine. My head spun. All I wanted was a happy ending; a better life only if you were with me. All I wanted was for you to sing me to sleep. I had tried for way too long to try and be the perfect song, when our hearts are heavy burdens that we shouldn’t have to bear alone. So I let you bear mine and you rejected it. Picking up, my heart was something you played with like a toy. But now? I’m new. I’ve found myself, and I’ve found another being who loves me for me, not what they want me to act like. I’ve found the only light I’ll ever see. A new fire that wears my heart whenever I need to hang it up for a while.