Appreciation

Sometimes, when things get really tough for me, I sit down at my desk and I open my journal to the next available blank page, and I fill the page with all of the thoughts and feelings that describe me at that moment.

I realize that the page is usually filled in no time with words that have slid right out of my head and off of my lips so that I can hear whatever it is that I end up connecting to my fingers and pen.

When I'm done, I'm able to look at the page and see the places that I scribbled or messed up and I'm able to feel what I felt when I was writing it, or feel whatever made me want to write it down and keep it. I find every reason to appreciate every word that I wrote down and I slip it into my heart.

What I'm saying is that acquiring the appreciation of life's smaller things should be in everyone's head. It should be taught to us as infants, climbing out of the womb, and instilled into our heads as we grow older until eventually, it becomes second nature to us. We should be able to appreciate everything in our lives as they are, not as they used to be or how they will be in the future. We should be able to appreciate all of the decisions we've made and the places we've slept without feeling like we've lost a little bit of ourselves.

We have to know how to appreciate the bad things in life, like getting caught in the rain on your way to a job interview or looking unprepared for something that is so important and worthwhile. Having the ability to appreciate these things gives us the chance to make our lives extraordinary. We are able to see that we're not meant to have all good things in life. Expecting becomes much easier to dwindle out of our lives.

I guess you have to have the bad days in order to appreciate the good ones.

So here I am, appreciating what’s there, appreciating the smiles because the frowns are too common, and appreciating that all I have in this world is the small, dim ember that is burning inside of me, yearning to be seen from miles away someday.

“But every time you walk away, I could never, never find the words to make you stay, but I’ll try come sunrise.”

One Day

Why can't I write?

Sure, I can sit here and wonder why I can't connect those dots. I'm fighting with my head to force the words that are bursting at their seams onto a page that runs from me.

What do I do?

I write. Whatever word comes to mind, whatever letters form next to each other, whatever I can do to help not keep me up at night. I write because of the flame inside of me that tells me that my story isn't over with. I have ink left inside of my pens and I can't let them go to waste. If I die, I want all of the ink to be gone. I want it to all be dry and permanent. I want everything that I write to be something that I felt purely and honestly. I want my words to be what have defined me throughout my life.

When it's all said and done? I want everyone to read my words. I want my words to break barriers that people have set up in their lives. I want to move mountains with the voice that my words create.

How do people do that? They wear their hearts on their sleeves and the walk away knowing that the time that they've put in will benefit them and everything that they have inside of them. They put the smiles on that spread like wildfires. They believe in themselves, even when nobody else in this world believes in them- they believe that their words are important and that no matter what they do with their lives, the words that they write down will change someone's life somewhere down the road.

The truth is that if I could just inspire one person, I'll know that anything that I've ever written has been enough at some point. And even if I lose it, I'll still have it in my heart. The inspiration is the definition of everything that I can ever aspire to be. Yes, I'm human. Yes, I feel things inside of me that need to come out. You do too. I bet you feel everything inside of you filling your heart to the brim and you don't know how to balance it without it spilling over the sides. Don't worry, it gets better.

I'm learning to harness that energy and place it somewhere in my life that needs the light that is shining through from the other side. One day, anything and everything that I've written will come back to me somehow. My eyes will be filled with the spark that I've always had inside of me somewhere. I won't be lost in translation. My heart will be at peace again, just as long as my ink is dry, permanent, and long-lasting.

One day.

What makes me happy?

I was asked what made me happy. At first, things come to my mind and I don't write them down, thinking that I'll remember them later when I write down what makes me happy. So here I am, sitting here at 2:15 in the morning, thinking hard about what makes me happy in life.

It seems like I lead a good life. I have a wonderful family. I have friends that people would die to have. I'm getting my education and I have too many jobs. I've been blessed with a life that some people can't have.

So why is it that I can't think of what makes me happy?

Hm. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I can't think of what makes me happy because I'm not really looking for it at all. I always remember what used to make me happy and not what makes me happy in the present.

So herein lies my problem. I'm stuck in a place in my mind that subconsciously makes me think about things that used to make me happy in life and not what truly makes me happy right now.

Don't get me wrong, there are things that still make me happy from my past, and some of those things will always make me happy, no matter where I'm at with life. Things like books or imagination or inspiration. Or writing. It makes me happy to sit here and write. Combining things that make me happy always helps too. For example, I could write books using my imagination and create inspiration in the process.

But what makes me happy right now? What makes me happy in the present...?

-Pens make me happy. Being able to feel the ink glide from the tip of a pen and onto a surface makes me smile.

-Notes make me happy, whether they're sticky-notes or just me writing notes down for things that I feel like I should remember. (They get me by.)

-Ralph Waldo Emerson's "Self-Reliance" makes me happy. Everything in that small, yet powerful and captivating piece of literature hits every spot inside of me that I want it to hit.

-Coloring pictures make me happy. This is good because it also relieves a ton of stress and it helps me to focus on something else that the important things in life.

-My pen-pal from West Virginia makes me happy.

-Drawings and scribbles on papers and in notepads make me happy. Seeing how someone's mind unfolds through art is soothing, somehow.

-Working makes me happy. I know this sounds weird, and most people don't enjoy working, but I honestly feel like working gives me a sense of productivity. I like being productive and getting things done. Most of the time, at least.

-Relaxing and unwinding from a long day makes me happy. It's more of a relief kind of thing for me, because sometimes it's hard to just concentrate on not concentrating any longer. (It makes sense to me.)

-Pictures make me happy. Next to my desk is a cork board with a few of my favorite pictures on it. The reason why I have this is for when I'm sitting here, working on something or whatever may be the case, and I look over to see all of these faces looking back at me with their unexplainable, incredible smiles. Something about this kind of thing makes me happy, mostly because I know that some of the smiles I may never see again for the rest of my life, and to have a piece of history from a human being, taken from the period in their life where they were smiling (even if it's fake) makes me feel appreciative and privileged to have it right next to me.

-Things that are life-changing make me happy. I just finished a book called "A Long Way Gone," which is about a young boy who has his family taken from him and his childhood torn from him in an instant, and he is forced to join the army at such a young age to fight a war that he shouldn't have ever had to fight. He is forced to see things that people his age, or any age for that matter, shouldn't ever have to see. The story is basically how things developed for him and how he led his life pre and post-war; how he learns to forgive himself for everything and grow from his experience. It's books like these that make me believe that anything is possible in life if you just hold on when times get tough. It's life-changing and refreshing.

- Discovering things that I didn't know existed makes me happy, mostly because my mind becomes more open to new things and ideas on it's own. I don't have to force anything because I see it with my own two eyes and I learn about it as it happens.

-Did I mention that pens make me happy?

-Going home to see the expressions on my family's face when they see mine makes me happy. There is nothing better than seeing your 88-year-old grandmother's face light up when you walk into the room. Nothing.

-Knowing that I've made a lasting impression on some people in my life thus far makes me happy. Making a difference in the world has been a lifelong goal of mine since I started thinking for myself. Even if it's only one person, it's still changing the world in my eyes.

So you see, here are some things that make me happy. It's not everything that make me happy. I'm sure that sometime I'll find other things that make me happy. I'll call this a "running list" since it's something that will undoubtedly change soon. I know it'll change because things change with time. Things that used to make me happy may not anymore 5 months from now. I'll find other things that'll make me happy and I'll add them to this list. Even if they don't make me happy anymore, I'll keep them up there because I know that I'll want to always remember everything that has made me happy in life.


Knowing that the life that I live today will shape the life that I live tomorrow has been something that has propelled me to keep writing, even if the ink is starting to run dry in my pen. I'll find another pen, and I'll open my book to a new chapter- a fresh, blank page that's just waiting for me to write my story in it. I'll continue to write because these words continue to make all of the difference in my heart.



-To you, you know who you are. Thank you for motivating me to write this piece. This is something that I'd thought about before but I had never really put any action or motivating into. This has given me a new perspective on things in my life and I have you to thank.

So thank you.

"One day, You'll See"

Robbie, you're sitting here and you're telling yourself that you're okay but really, I feel like you aren't. I'm you. I'm in you and I know how your surface feelings influence your mood. I know how you feel about some things, and I know that some things you hide inside of yourself so that nobody will ever find it. But one day, you'll find it. It's come up like a lost treasure and everything will change again. I wish there was some type of way to get rid of it, but I can't do that for you, you have to do it for yourself. I have faith in you, always remember that. I have faith that you'll find something in life that will be worth more to you. I have faith that you'll find that one person or those many people who make you smile day in and day out.

Who knows, you may have already found them. They might be right under your nose, you just haven't seen them yet.

Or maybe you have. Maybe you've seen them and they're already making a difference in your life. Whatever the case may be, keep your heart open and keep your eyes free.

Tell yourself, "One day, you'll see."

Sincerely, Your Heart.

Reflecting

I find it good to reflect on things in my life at least once a day. It allows me to think better about things: decisions, actions, and emotions that I've had in the past and how they've influenced the person that I am today. I'm writing my own story with my own pen and paper. I'm learning as time goes on, and I'm expressing myself in any way that I know how to. Whether or not people are listening is up to them. I'll keep writing and see who's listening.

In the end, it'll be worth it.

Time

You see, life is like a VCR. We want to press play when laughter is surrounding us. We want to press pause when we’re making memories. We want to press stop when all we feel is pain, and we want to press rewind to go back to a time when all we were was happy. But you see… Here’s the thing. I can’t remember ever being able to find time, to rewind time. That was back when you were my lifeline and all I could do was forget time when I was with you.

This time, you’ve got my mind pregnant with ideas of old things past, and new things to come. You see, words seem to be the only thing separating me from what used to be, and no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to shake this anomaly. This lame game that we seem to be playing acts as a ball and chain; it’s merely us going against the grain, yet it still manages to confine my mind, and leave me feeling as if time was never on my side.

And so we’ll see, time has been everything to me. My mind seems to think that the sublime between us is merely making me a prisoner of my own words. You see, if I had it my way, I would cover myself in your words like a blanket so that I don’t freeze to death. All this pain I feel is numbed when I’m standing here, reciting my thoughts. Poetry is my painkiller. While I’m covered I’ll have to keep in mind that words can only half reveal and half conceal the soul within.

So now, instead of feeling you press yourself up against me lazily in tangled sheets with clumsy morning kisses, I’ll feel you tell me all that you miss is those times when we could find the time to rewind time. Respecting you is me expecting you to believe in our dignity but, like you said before, love is just war on a battlefield. Time is just here to incline us to go faster. But I say let’s go slow. Let’s not pause or rewind or stop let’s press play; let’s go.

Gasoline.

Fill my heart, fall asleep to it's beat.
Sing to my music, dance to the melodies.
Build me with your words, and watch me crumble.

You're the gasoline that puts out my fire.
You're the fight in me that breaks my balance of pain.
I'm the one letting you graze my cheek, filling it with your lips.

Push me into your gravity.
Show me the way of your charm and grace.
Show me your heart and your mind; your imagination and authority.

Impress my memories.