Balance

The fight for you is all I've known for a long while. I mean that in such terms that a 'long while' is long enough to the point where I don't want to start over with anybody else, nor do I have the stability to even think about trying. I'll be up front with you about this: you hurt me. You don't know you did, nor do you think that anything wrong-doing occurred, but you still hurt me. More than you know. More than you'll want to comprehend. Before I go blaming you for everything, please know that I am sorry. Please know that I am truly sorry for yelling. I shouldn't raise my voice to you; you don't deserve it. I need to control my feelings better. But on the flip side of that, I'm still hurt. There is still a void that I walk around with; still an empty space that is present in my head and my heart. I let it go. I let my feelings being hurt go for the better sake of us, mind you all I want is you. But you hurt me on a level that leaves me hanging in my own balance. Every time that I think about it my heart wants to hurt, just to have a feeling that reminds me what hurting really is. I know that a promise doesn't mean much anymore, and this will never be alright with me. I sing a tune to the beat of my own heart, and you sing your as well. Can we sing each others instead?

Your happiness is something that I look for everyday. I know that you don't need 3 dozen roses or the world handed to you on a golden-crested platter, and I know that sometimes you don't like me for your own reasons, however, I care enough to try my best to give those things to you. Granted, if I could actually give you the world on a platter, you would already have it.

I know I don't make you happy on a regular basis, but you make me happy everyday. Even being able to hear from you makes me happy. Nothing is certain; not one thing is guaranteed in this life. But one thing I can tell you is that you make me smile, probably more than anything I've ever seen. Bear in mind that sometimes you make me feel like shit for wanting effort from you in this relationship. Bear in mind that sometimes we don't get along and that you sometimes take me for granted whether you know it or not. Bear in mind that I do my best for you to just notice me sometimes. No matter what is going on in my life or how crazy or hectic things get, I always make time for you. I always make time for us. I want to because seeing you makes me happy. I want to because you get happy too.

I guess what I'm trying to say out of all of this is that I love you. You hurt me but I still love you. Nothing will make me stop loving you. Saying goodbye was one of the worse things that I've encountered, and keep in mind that I've heard it before, so I should be a pro at handling by now. But you know what? I'm not. I won't ever be. I'll still fold every time. Keeping me hanging in suspense isn't what I want.

I have a wish. Just one wish that has been there for a long while. I wish that you would pour your heart out. Dump it right on top of me for once; don't be afraid, I won't drown. It won't hurt me like you think it will.

Try me.

Flame

Looking back at what has happened and what used to be as opposed to what is, I see a ton of feelings that were used in one big learning experience. Love was lost, and thoughts were reused to the point in which they all became routine. My head spun. All I wanted was a happy ending; a better life only if you were with me. All I wanted was for you to sing me to sleep. I had tried for way too long to try and be the perfect song, when our hearts are heavy burdens that we shouldn’t have to bear alone. So I let you bear mine and you rejected it. Picking up, my heart was something you played with like a toy. But now? I’m new. I’ve found myself, and I’ve found another being who loves me for me, not what they want me to act like. I’ve found the only light I’ll ever see. A new fire that wears my heart whenever I need to hang it up for a while.